Witnessed by no one but The Fitch in person, we have news that will soon unfold and you will need to prepare yourself to receive this news right now!

Have a shot, take a toke, or slap yourself silly then proceed. We are not liable for the content of what we write because it is false and we are still telling you!

Apparently, 458,453,129 democrats have fallen out to their deaths! No, not out a window, just fainted and died, I tell you!! No push!

Donald Trump just (did not) announce his VP pick:

DONALD TRUMP JUNIOR!!

Hello?? Anyone?? Uh oh…pack it up!