Almost my entire life I was completely unaware of the existence of this thing called Tractor Supply. I have no tractor, why would I have cared to know of it? During a stint in the country, I certainly found out. I was desperate to enlist allies in my war against this Husqvarna riding mower, with which I was at war, merely because I had abused it so badly. It refused to move even an inch. This was not our first go around. It was a defiant little Fucker, too! I had won so many battles with this devil before that this one… this minor battle… would not take me down. I will not lose the war for this. How could it be so foul as to run over that nail now? We had only just begun our latest of many journeys around the two acres of hearty, grass mixed with miscellaneous weed-type things that had always blown in from the cow pasture lining the yard. Not my cows, I was happy to delight in their company without having to do any of the work! Just flitter by now and then and pet some. Seeing the beauty of these creatures in a green, sunlit pasture with their barn behind them in the distance, against the backdrop of woods surrounding it all made it well worth dealing with this husky beast. But really? You let a nail take you down just because you were plodding through two feet of pasture mix?
You will surely be punished, because unlike you, I know the weather forecast! Ha! You shall be slowly plodding through four feet of cow mix greens next weekend with all the rain that is coming! You’ll have the joy of sitting outside all week on the porch, just watching the grass grow, fearing what will come while I work my terrible hours in between. Still, I know it truly wasn’t your fault idiots left nails out in the grass in the first place. Hell, even Amazon couldn’t avert this pending nightmare. Even with their super-fast avenging shipping I’d already be back at work when it arrived. I’ll have to pull out the old school methods of physical interactiveness with the world. I shall venture out into reality and get you a brand new tire and you will be good as new… until the next time you show your arse. You remember when I learned how to give you all those new parts and clean your carburetor? How about the fact that the last idiot to attend to your needs stripped the screw I needed to take off to get to your carburetor in the first place? Did I give up and abandon you then? No! I pondered a while, then realized I could get a screw extractor and even better, I could get one for the drill you made me buy! I won’t let you down now, either, you little orange badass! To the internet I went, looking at all my usual haunts but finding none who carry such things or only have them in other sizes. Leave it to you to be a ‘special’ size. Seeing the word tractor included with so many items, I turned my quest in that direction. Around the third result I pulled up for more information, I started to see this thing most likely would not be found in time to avert this tragedy of weed mist up to my waist on every hill, path, and open green field on the combined five acres. Not one to give up, I scanned down the results and saw this thing called Tractor Supply Store. Bingo! This name surely implies with enough boastfulness that they must be in possession of my tractor (lawn mower) supply! I called to verify stock, as the closest location was forty-five miles away, and was happy with a jade of doubt because I was told they have the golden ticket tire size that I need to claim my prize! Off I went on my noble steed to save my husky friend, consoled by the knowledge that I could reward myself, failure or not, with Popeye’s chicken.
When I arrived at this wonderful oasis of things, I was thrilled with it! They have the coolest things in that store. Beyond actually having the tire size in stock no one else did, they have supplies for farm animals, fencing, gardening, hunting, grilling, camping, pickup truck accessories, and even medicine for animals, better in variety that the ones you see in more generic stores. I was further amazed at their pricing on cat and dog supplies. They have a cat litter cheaper than elsewhere by far and it doesn’t bother my sinuses. Luckily, my cats love a generic brand of food they carry, too, saving me tons over the years. They have indoor and outdoor delights, miscellaneous odds and ends and wonderful little finds. It is a great place to visit during the holidays, too. If you haven’t, you should stop by and see what they might have for you! I’m not giving them a free ad, but it really saved me that weekend when I thought all hope was lost in the battle of the orange devil. They also offer vet clinics weekly.
I moved about a year ago and have meant to find the closest one to me before now, but we all know how 2020 was. Anyway, again I needed them to come to my aid because more times than not when I look for litter, I cannot find the kinds I like in stock and end up paying more for litter that will surely linger in odor throughout my rooms. I was not disappointed with my trip there, and I also have to thank them for inspiring me to want to write and fill the pages of this new, beautiful, hilarious notebook I found, which also happened to be the last. The first thing it inspired me to do was write this, so for being awesome they were thanked with pages of gratitude. What was this glorious notebook of which I speak? Oh, it’s a large, hard backed spiral bound journal with a photo of an ungainly but gloriously beautiful black and white cow standing out in the field asking if her spots make her look fat. I know, I know, I know. It’s offensive to the cow. It’s offensive to women who may often ask if their dress makes them look fat, only expecting the previously determined answer (through squawking and crying) that it does not, in fact, make her look fat.
Relax, the cow is happy, and the questioning of fat shaming dresses is always answered with the aforementioned ‘no’. Soon, as we are woke now, we will round up these dresses and eliminate them to make good and sure they will not be given another chance.