As the evils around you, whether they are evils you perpetuate or not, come to a mind-storming peak inside your head, you may feel like it’s going to explode. You will think things and think about doing things you would never consider under normal circumstances. An example of this is the origin of things like ‘revenge is a dish best served cold’. Is it merely because your foe will not see it coming and will be even more crushed to see you unexpectedly coming with your revenge? Most likely not. Most likely it is meant to help you govern your behavior long enough to calm down and think things through. This, too, shall pass one way or another. OK, so you’ve determined with a cool head that someone needs punishing. From this viewpoint, you can put good, clear thought into how best to extract the most impactful revenge. At least you’re less likely to end up in jail, because let me tell you…very few things add up to giving up a life of freedom for one of daily drudgery, horrible food with questionable content including bodily fluids, and the countless threats to your safety. Oh yeah and being the butt of jokes by the VP to be about your incessant begging.
Forget security, that’s gone. Is this revenge worth giving up what small things you do care about? That’s where you’re lucky if you have a good, strong switch in your head that isn’t likely to throw and unleash all the evil, pain, sadness, anger, and confusion you have allowed to build up to this moment of crisis. Any little provocation might cause you to overblow your reaction to the point that your future of freedom might come into question. Could you kill someone, even if they deserve it? Could you get away with it? Would anybody give a shat if you did disappear into jail, or worse yet, died on the spot in your ultimate revenge plot? Do you even have one person you could talk to about this? Do you see any genuine concern around you?
If you have nothing to live for, we’re all fucked. You might go off and hurt people. If you do, could you please limit it to the people who caused you to be in this state in the first place? There’s no need to blow up, shoot, or maim innocent people. At least aim it from whence it came. Take accountability for your part. Do not go to the nearest mall and shoot it up (that is if you can find one still open). If you are to truly right wrongs you feel were done, you must first get in your head again when you’re in a balanced state. Scream, curse, throw glass, whatever is necessary to break this mood. Do you have a playlist you can go to for comfort? I’d suggest making one if you haven’t because music therapy is real; and music is the sound of the soul, so somewhere you will uncover every emotion you’ve ever felt. Yes, I heard you saying ‘fuck that’ but at least give it a try. Start with something angry, hurt or confused like you are. Work your way down to more calm, happy music and find that even keel from which you need to begin. Now you can think better.
What is hurting you? How are you hurt? Why are you angry and who caused that? Are you reacting to things closely going on around you, or are you calling upon the entire repertoire of misery and frustration that has accumulated in your soul since the moment you were conceived? Are you toying with things from a familial past that you simply can’t let go of because you have had no justice? Do you feel taken for granted or under-appreciated? Do you hate your job and the people who work there? Do you like them, and they don’t seem to like you? Do you like the people and hate the job itself? Have you lost someone you love? Your last friend? Did the love of your life go to work one day and never come home? Were you abused in some or many ways as a child? Were you forced into some position in life you never wanted? Did you marry the wrong person? Did you marry the right person, and they must not have been in the same frame of mind because of all the cheating they do? Do you realize it is a weakness in their character and not necessarily because you are awful in bed and no fun? Did you know cheating or not is a true indicator of character within a person, not something swayed in the wind of a bigger penis or circus boobs? Are you aware that most people go through life on auto-pilot to some degree or the other? I’m talking way beyond the body’s ability to breathe for us without our thinking to do it. Do you think most people would happily trade their life if they were on a game show that granted the wish of their dream life? How many do you suppose would leave friends and family behind if they had to? Or just because they wanted to. Have you consciously thought about the life you are living and the one you want to live? Remember that horrible thing that happened to you when you were younger and you got past it in time and managed to have enough to live for that you’re here again angry and hurt?
Time does not and will not stop. In your particular situation that is a good thing. Give it a few minutes, then a few hours, then a few days. Revisit where you are, and you may still feel as angry as ever and be seeking justice. If so, then you can find a way to get your justice without doing damage to your own life or do something that might not be justice and go too far. Emotion is a tough bitch to bear; believe me I know. If you have gone blindly through life letting these things build up inside you, your reaction to things in time may become something that feels more important than it is. Is this truly the straw that should break the camel’s back? Most likely not. In true crisis, you should always and immediately seek help from the resources in your life through family and friends or professional assistance. Getting help for your mental state doesn’t always mean you have a mental illness. They name things, yes. But it can also be that someone has allowed too much trauma, large and small, to accumulate inside them. It could help to sort out all that shat so you can deal with life from a clean, neat, organized standpoint. I am not an expert on mental health, I’m just a person who has lived a life with a storage closet in the back of my mind. I packed things up neat and tight in little boxes and put them in there for years. It started before I was old enough to even be mentally conscious that I was doing it. For many years, I lived in fear that those boxes would all pop open at the same time and like a switch was flipped I’d be catatonic. Luckily, I had a moment of realization that clearly dictated I open them all, one by one. The storage unit is much smaller now, only leaving the most important parts of each box’s contents. They are condensed, neatly organized and in a climate-controlled unit.
At some point when you’re drowning, I would imagine for many there is a moment they realize they are fighting a losing battle and decide to peacefully submit. This is not that moment for you. Doggy paddle, float, or swim like Hell because there is a boat out there close enough to save you.