Long before the days of the lunacy that were 2020, I often wondered how Kentucky Fried Chicken was able to keep its mascot The Colonel.  I call it a mascot because it might as well be someone in a furry suit lingering at the playground.  Anyway, we are now in the year 2021 and we as an unwoke group are absolutely appalled in our dreams at the complete failure of the progressive cancel movement in its non-handling of the Colonel.  We demand to be heard and have action taken.  Wait, to be clear as to not be accused (like Trump) of inciting a damn thing, I am not inciting the replacement of this offensive creature by force, whether it be physical, loudness, or deafness.

How, I ask you, is this still allowed in our day and age when you have successfully canceled so many including people for things they said when they were 12 that you find offensive?  Anyway, we demand action of the polite woke kind.  Rioting and looting should do it.  Again, no incitement of violence intended, this is humor.  This Colonel must go.  He is not, in fact, a Colonel anyway, so why doesn’t that make you mad?  How do you suffer in silence so valiantly?  How DARE he claim to be this highly esteemed military postholder even if in fun?  Did he have to dress in his fancy white old school Plantation-owner suit?  This was the image he chose to portray many moons ago.  Many moons have now also passed, and your lack of action has become so offensive to our souls that we cannot even fathom bringing up Long John Silvers, even though you all know, in fact, that all pirates were known for their pillaging, plundering, and raping of men, women, children and towns.  The mainstream media may not have covered the stories of man-raping as much because it wasn’t OK in their day out loud or in print, but in our wokedness culture we know the truth.  “Law & Order” covered it, that’s for damn sure.  Carry your ignored truth to Heaven’s door and please grant us this favor from the Sacred High Court of Moronics.  We bowed in gratitude when you got old Sambo’s ass but that was many blue moons gone by.

To further our case, we now move to the offensive connotations empowering this particular offender.  Let’s start with the obvious reason this mascot needs the ax (to be clear, not implying anyone ax the Colonel with an actual wood chopping ax):  He is creepy.  The second reason is that Colonel has been an old name for ignorant southern military folk for quite some time.  Back in the day, they surely owned slaves, or at least one did, which seems to be your lower margin of God sent truth not to be told in any other way.  Are we to assume the kahunas have not been kahunaed enough to breach the subject with our African American associates because they will then be accused of saying they don’t want it changed because it’s OK since their associates are known for loving fried chicken?  Were they given a ‘special’ pass?  First you get your own special short bus and now this?  We protest and riot, as no creature could love a good fried chicken more than we…especially when it’s finger licking good.

HOWEVER, that aside, you have work to do and under your promise to woke the unwoke and punish the whatevers you like, we demand you fulfill said promise immediately.  Mr. Silvers will have to wait for now, since you are surely failing in spreading your wokeness country-wide in as expedient a manner as you haven’t. 

Again, the Colonel must go.  May we suggest for our generations coming up it be an appropriate moniker such as “HearYouAndYouAreMostSpecialofAll” and a mascot in the form of a soft-edged tissue box with a clean, friendly, white, first wipe pulled halfway out for us as the signal of warmth and comfort we shall emanate?  Even better, how about the same with a cylinder of germ killing wipes?  You could more-woke it by making it rainbow wipes!  Oh, the marketing genius will abound and be fruitful!  You could have a replica on every table that actually functions as a wet wipe holder!  You’re woke and have street smarts now! 

***No feelings have been intended to be offended by this crafting, setting aside anyone who was offended by it, as you are too woke.  Nap, friend, nap. ***


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